Avengers Night At The Ark, Coda (Novelty Challenge)

[dragonofdispair]

Summary: Jazz resorts to sneaking around to get his fanfiction fix... much to Teletraan's annoyance.

Jazz was an excellent sneak. There was no one better, not even Mirage even though Mirage cheated like a cheating cheater in the sneaky-bot contest. The sneaky-bot contest that Jazz won first, second and third place in every time it was held. Superb, outstanding, magnificent, preeminent, matchless, peerless… whichever adjective you chose to use, the fact of the matter was Jazz was the best sneak in Sneaky Town. He was the mayor of Sneaky Town.

And right now… Jazz was sneaking.

Not through the crashed Decepticon ship, or even through the humans’ data networks. Jazz was sneaking through the Ark. Past Autobots on night watch, around Red Alert’s (frankly) excessive surveillance network. And up into the Ark’s control room, where he gently shook hands with the one person he couldn’t sneak around.

“Hey Teletraan,” he whispered, just loud enough for the system to pick up the audio input.

No. Appeared on Teletraan’s screen and Jazz didn’t make a frustrated engine-noise because if he made a frustrated engine-noise then he’d no longer be sneaking and this was a mission that absolutely required sneaking.

“Please Teletraan. I just need to check. I won’t post anything new tonight.” Wheedling, on the other hand, was allowed… especially since Teletraan needed to be wheedled. Rebellious AIs would still keep his secrets — thus talking to him wasn’t violating the Rules of Sneaking, but wheedling didn’t, as long as no one else heard him wheedling — but didn’t always do what he wanted.

I currently do not have the extra bandwidth required to support your habit tonight, Teletraan responded. My current tasks have priority. Thus my answer is No.

Hard to argue with that. That didn’t mean Jazz wouldn’t try. “Just two minutes. Just to check. If there is something there I won’t even read it until you’re done… but I need to bookmark anything that’s there before it gets buried under a ton of anonymous comments. Please.”

No. Come back when I do not have so many priority tasks.

That was a blatant and unsubtle attempt to get rid of him. “Just one little fic? Please… You know I’ll stand here all night distracting you if you don’t…” Bargaining and blackmailing were also allowed while sneaking.

Teletraan considered. I will give you exactly two minutes of access, finally appeared on the screen. After which you will leave me to my tasks or I will alert Prowl to your presence here.

Shipping was Serious Business among the Autobots because of the weekly Avengers VR scenario. Shipping Wars could spill over into real life when someone shipped two characters whose players were dating — or not dating.  And Prowl — Captain America — who had to herd them into some semblance of functionality to defeat the Villian of the Week, had to deal with it all. Needless to say Prowl would Not Approve of Jazz’s presence here. Prowl didn’t approve of kinky fan fiction and he really didn’t approve of diverting Teletraan from important tasks to indulge in kinky fan fiction. Prowl was about ninety-five of the one-hundred and one reasons Jazz was sneaking into the control room of his own — or, well, the Autobots’ but really it was the same thing — ship. Bargaining and blackmailing were also things that could be used against him, but Jazz almost didn’t care because two minutes of access was two minutes more than he’d had two minutes ago.

Silently he fist-pumped the air and slid into the chair in front of the terminal.

With all the skill and speed he used to counter-hack Soundwave, Jazz logged onto the email box he had set up just for using Livejournal and following Avengerskink, clearing comments that said nothing and bookmarking the links to new fics and requests. As promised, he’d read them later.

[FILL] Hulk / Steve. Mutual first times. Monster Sex — the heading on the email caught his attention. That had been his request. Jazz made lots of requests, but only some of them got picked up. He was well aware that amateur porn wasn’t necessarily true to human biology, but not being human or possessing the requisite parts in question he didn’t really feel qualified in writing everything he wanted to read. Lucky for him… humans had come up with a solution. Anonymous kink memes. Specifically Avengerskink because he really didn’t know (or want to know really) why but imagining Steve and Bruce getting it on made his circuits tingle. Giddily he clicked on the email.

[FILL] Hulk / Steve. Mutual first times. Monster Sex

Original Request: Both Steve Rodgers and the Hulk are virgins. That’s what I want. Just lots of kinky monster sex with mutual cherry popping.

Partial fill on Ao3 Here.

Jazz clicked on the link. Someone had finally picked up his req, and now he was going to read all about —

Teletraan shut down his connection. Your two minutes are up.

“Why you gotta always ruin my fun, T?”

You were the one who originally suggested the time limit as a compromise. Now go, or I will alert Prowl. Jazz muttered uncomplimentary things about being ganged up on and Teletraan made a frustrated bleep! from one of his secondary speakers. I saved the link for you. You can read it later.

Now there… there was a true friend. “Thanks T.”

Teletraan didn’t answer. He just went back to… whatever he’d been doing before Jazz had showed up. Jazz snuck away. Time to be a responsible commanding officer and recharge so he’d be awake tomorrow during shift… no matter how much he wanted to stay up reading.